Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Creepy Toys of Christmas Present

What would Creepmas be without a few presents under the tree to send shivers down your spine when you unleash unwrap them Christmas morning?  Maybe they’re already hungry and tired of waiting.  Maybe tonight they’ll quietly creep out from under the tree with only the faintest rustle of wrapping paper to disturb your slumber…  

Behold Ivory Ice Crystals.  I know she looks cute, adorable even, so how could she be anything but pure evil?  All the Lalaloopsy dolls have those same black soulless eyes, and pert little smiles.  Smiles like that were made to hide sharp teeth. This limited edition holiday doll is no different, except I suspect the icy breath behind that sweet smile is as cold as death, with the stink of rotting flesh wafting beneath the scent of plastic.  How long until your heart ceases to beat after staring into those dismal eyes and sinking into their demonic abyss?  Hell has frozen over and her name is Ivory Ice Crystals. 

Of course your soulless ice demon would not be complete without her trusty crown wearing hell hound polar bear.

But what if you really, really hate the person on your Christmas list, and the ice princess just isn't enough? Lucky for you there is Charlette Charades, she’s a creepy button eyed fiend and a mime.  That’s two creeps for the price of one.

What I said above goes double for any Cabbage Patch Kid, triple for this one. I was a product of the 80’s.  As testament to poor taste I’ll admit I succumbed to stone washed tapered jeans and bad perms, but I never wanted a CPK.  What kind of black magic does marketing practice to keep these things coming back?

The first time I saw a Sing-a-ma-jig, I thought sex doll for Muppets. Years later they are still on the market, which is both scary and disturbing. Who keeps buying this stuff? Sex dolls, for any species should not be in the children’s toy department. The holiday snowman edition is apparently for Muppets with a hobo fetish.

Jack-in-the-Boxes have a reign of terror that goes back hundreds of years, and while the Sock Monkey hasn’t been around that long, I’m sure it’s caused just as many nightmares.

These days Sock Monkeys come in all sizes, colors and abominations. The only thing I haven’t seen is a
LeMarchand Sock Monkey puzzle, but the Sock Monkey-in-a-Box, comes pretty damn close. You better believe when that monkey pops up he’s going to drag you straight to hell and your little dog too. 



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