Creepmas Movies

Every Creepmas people talk about their favorite holiday movies. I nod as I read along and think to myself, I'll have to watch that one and then I just never get around to it.

This year I did it. I got an early start, lined up a series of things to do during viewing* and jumped right in.

*I'm a bit mental that way, it drives me nuts** to just sit and watch tv, I have to be doing something else. 

**Probably the same way it drives my husband nuts that I just can't sit still.

Last year, and I can't remember if someone posted this or I found it on my own, but I came across this quite extensive list of 99 Christmas horrors movies ranked from worst to best. I found it very useful as a guide. So here are the ones I knocked out this year in no particular order:

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

This movie is frickin awesome. Also not at all what I expected, not that I had any expectations other than it always shows up on someone's Christmas horror list. The only thing I knew going in was there would be some old guy nudity, which seems to disturb a lot of people. Apparently the copious amounts of gratuitous nudity in horror films has done nothing to prepare folks for non-titillating nudity showing up in a perfectly natural context.

What was disturbing for me, was the silent creepy stares the old guy puts down. There's an almost cheery twinkle of menace in his gaze. In fact forevermore when I hear the line "his eyes how they twinkled...", that's the twinkle I'm going to think of. It sent shivers down my spine.

Overall it’s a dorky little kid saves the day type of movie that'll make your cold shriveled heart swell three sizes too big. It could be a Hallmark movie if it wasn't so dark and the acting wasn't so good.

The Children (2008)

Not to be confused with the 1980’s The Children, although similar premise and I recall that one being suspenseful and terrifying too. But I was probably 10 when I saw it, so your mileage may vary. In the 80’s version you can tell the infected children by their heavy black eye makeup and black fingernails. As a kid, I had heavy black eye makeup and black fingernails, but zero homicidal tendencies, so not infected.

Having just seen it, I can give a confident thumbs up to 2008 The Children. Suspenseful, terrifying and perfectly paced to keep you on your toes. The children play their parts fantastically. They are creepy little bastards and in this movie they don't even wear goth makeup to frighten the adults. Actually it’s worse that they look completely normal. It's more than a little scary just how freaky kids can be without any special effects. Their giggles are the stuff of nightmares.

I've also decided homicidal children are way worse than zombies. If your only two choices are to be killed or kill kids, you're screwed. Even if you win, you lose.

Dead End (2003)

If it wasn't for the hair and clothing I could've sworn I was watching the 80's holiday horror lovechild of John Hughes and David Lynch. The fact that Ray Wise, who shall forever be Leland Palmer to me, plays the patriarch definitely added to this feeling. His wife is played by Lin Shaye who is another wonderful character actor.  She has an orgasmic scene that is, well you'll just have to see for yourself. He decides to take a shortcut on the way to the in-laws for the holidays. Things get weird and the body count rises. As trippy dark comedies go, it was definitely a fun ride.

Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)

I didn’t know what to expect other than it’s a musical with zombies. After watching it I’d almost say it was like High School Musical with zombies except I’ve never seen High School Musical. It has all the usual high school clichés, the mean principal, the kid with absent parents, the kid with a dead mom, the dad that knows best with the headstrong kid that knows better, the annoying totally into each other couple, the couple that just broke up, an unrequited love and the gaggle of bone headed jocks. I think the only thing missing was the mean girls/cheerleader trope. So there's catchy music, lots of zombies, and the proper wielding of a candy cane prop as a weapon. Oh and there’s this scene:

Hope you all enjoyed that fish wrap as much I did motherflippers.

Slay Belles (2018)

This movie is good old fashioned low budget fun. Berry Bostwick is Santa Claus, but of course to me he will always be Brad. The story is a unique twist on why Krampus is in town. There's a hilarious montage when they capture Krampus with tinsel and selfies that should not be missed.

For those that like gratuitous nudity there’s one beautiful bare breast. Yes, just the one. But not in weird way like in a jar, the other one is in the scene too just not exposed. Maybe the budget didn't allow for full exposure of the whole pair, or maybe the other one has a no-nudity clause? Anyway there's enough copious amounts of cleavage to go around. And a Krampus peen, maybe. The scene was dark and went by so fast and I certainly wasn't going to rewind. Even if I saw what I think I saw, I’m not going to say it was ginormously terrifying because that would be body shaming and I’m sure in some circles that thing has its own fan club and I am not here to judge anyone.

There are some campy movies that leave you at the end feeling like somewhere in the universe there is an IOU floating around for 73 minutes of your life and then there are those that make you feel like you just made a new quirky friend and you're like, "That was fun, we should do it again." This movie is one of the latter.

Body (2015)

It takes place on Christmas Eve, and that is the only thing that makes this a holiday movie. Still if you enjoy movies that would never exist if any of the characters had just called 911 at the first sign of trouble, then this one is pretty good. I thought the acting was solid, and the downward spiral into madness and mayhem convincing even though it happens in a fairly short period of time.

Mother Krampus (2017):

The only reason I'm mentioning this one is to save you the pain. It's slow, not a slow burn, just slow. Don't watch it. I did like the maniacal faces the killer ghost made, I think she might have been awesome in a better movie. I could also see me pulling off her look for a Christmas Eve party. And then never getting invited anywhere ever again.

It's a dark secret from the past, vengeful spirit, twist at the end movie. In fact if they hadn't tried to capitalize on the holiday horror genre and just changed everything but the ending, it might have been ok. Instead they tried working in the legend of Frau Perchta with a lot of holiday themed kills, which along with a cast of forgettable characters, was just a big mess. Kind of like when I try decorating a gingerbread house.

If you’re a die hard horror fan that insists on checking every movie off your list no matter how awful, then by all means enjoy. Otherwise I would give it a pass.
There is one scene where they wrap Xmas lights around bats as weapons. I don’t know why. It’s no barbwire, but I guess that it could leave a mark. Though I don’t think it’d cause enough extra damage to be worth the effort. In any case it didn’t make a difference because not a one of them could swing worth a damn. But it did make me chuckle watching these yahoo’s walk around with their glowing wands of power. Still not enough to make watching this movie worthwhile.