Monday, December 2, 2013

Creepy Sock Monkeys

Even though Christmas started creeping into some stores as early as September, for me it was the hideous (as if there is any other kind) sock monkey ornaments that really heralded in the season.  To add insult to injury two isles over the Halloween merchandise was already being clearanced.  It was still two weeks until Halloween. 

Balance needs to be restored and so I welcome in the 2nd day of Creepmas with the diabolical sock monkey. I'm sure Christmas morning will find many a sock monkey under the tree.  Heaven help us all. 

I caught these two leering at me at a local store.  I don't know which is worse, a sock monkey version of the jolly old stalker who sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake or the swift, silent, and deadly camouflage one that you won't see until it's too late. 

I love the internet.  Plug in "Sock Monkey from Hell" and it spits back this collection of some of the most bizarre sock monkey pictures I've seen. 

Wondering where to find the huge sock monkey statue posing with the sock monkey boob shirt?  Again glorious internet, they are apparently scattered around Rockford, IL, home of the sock monkey and annual Sock Monkey Madness Festival.  I think an In the Mouth of Madness Festival would be less traumatic. 

Maybe you'd rather delve into some sock monkey literature or maybe paperbound nightmares would be a more apt description?

While on my quest of all things sock monkey, I found a copy of the creepy story of The Patchwork Monkey online, by way of M B Brophy.

Here are a few books that are still in print and probably serve a lighter fare.

Sock Monkeys: (200 out of 1,863) - This one intrigues me because I'm curious to read Neil Gaiman's contribution.

Update:  I found this at my local library. The inside covers front and back are two large shots showing a room full of sock monkeys. Bodies are strewn about in piles. My initial reaction was that I was witnessing some sort of mass grave. 

The rest of the book is black and white head shots, interspersed with a few bio’s. I only read a couple. Honestly I skimmed through a couple, I only read the one by Neil Gaiman. Sadly I didn’t care for it, I could see where it fit the sock monkey in question, it just didn’t appeal to me. 

The pictures are phenomenal, if by phenomenal I mean horrific images that will haunt me until the day I die. The photos really captured each sock monkey’s persona. Some look burley and mean, others look like evil geniuses and some look just plain evil.

As someone who dabbles in art projects and enjoys tweaking crafts, I could understand the impulses that led to the creation of these monkeys. I could see where the need to make the sock monkey their own, directed them to use obscure buttons or create crazy eyebrows, but for the most part these enhancements made them look all the more ghastly. I’m sure a few were created with that intention, but I would hazard to guess most sock monkeys are made with love and the desire to bring joy. That only goes to prove its true what they say, the road to hell is paved with sock monkeys.

Sock Monkey Dreams: Daily Life at the Red Heel Monkey Shelter - from the description, "...Sock Monkey Dreams dares to ask the question “What are sock monkeys up to when humans aren’t looking?” "
Not a question I dare to ask or want to know the answer to.

Sock Monkey Kama Sutra: Tantric Sex Positions for Your Naughty Little Monkey - OK this is just funny. 

Update:  I bought this one, and dare I admit that I love it? When someone combines a fad with a classic, there’s always the danger that they’ll put in minimal effort and try to extract maximum profit. This is NOT the case with Sock Monkey Kama Sutra, it’s very well done. The text is fun and informative. The sock monkey models are not creepy looking, surprisingly they are not even naked, they modestly keep their hats on the whole time. It’s definitely an enjoyable read for your inner naughty monkey. 

Almost done plugging Amazon, I came across one more thing that I have to share.

2014 Sock Monkey Wall Calendar - I used to just be freaked out by sock monkey's, you know a healthy dose of repulsion. After seeing these 12 sock monkeys I am now completely terrified and have banned socks from our home lest they form into an army of sock monkeys. I thought even a Cthulhu calendar would have to be less foreboding and after a half a second of searching I found this Cthulhu Christmas Calendar app.  How cute is that?

Last word on sock monkeys, Stacey Jean could almost lure me over to the dark side with her sock monkeys. This Sugar Skull Sock Monkey is not horrifying, it's kind of cute even.  As is the Voodoo Sock Monkey


  1. Oh my, I now feel the need to throw a shirt over the sock monkey sitting on my husband's desk!

    Who in their right mind writes (or reads!!) the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra???? of course, now I'm curious.

    1. I can’t vouch for people in their right minds, but being curious I stopped in at a book store and couldn’t find the monkey porn section, so I had to ask. I stood tall, used my best grown up voice and kept a straight face, because even though there is no shame in asking for Sock Monkey Kama Sutra, there should be if you do it giggling like a school girl at my age. Well, the sales person didn’t blink an eye, she was quite familiar with it having purchased it herself and said it was a very popular book, being that it sold out shortly after it arrived at their store. It’s safe to say I’ve gone past curiosity, to well down the road of intrigued. My copy should be arriving in the mail any day now.